Values

From a very young age my parents always taught me that our values are the most important representation of our family. They show the successful upbringing of a child. My grandparents laid the foundation of these values for me. They were the 4 pillars of our family who gave 100% to their families. I always wanted to have a tattoo that is highly significant in my life and what can be better than the four words I use to describe the roots of my family.

Honesty – Our first pillar is a word that I use to describe my grandfather on dad’s side. He was the most honest man in my life. In his line of work he often had to deal with corrupt people but he never even once feared them or worried about the consequences of opposing them. Because of his nature he and his family suffered countless set backs financially in his lifetime but he refused to support anything but the truth, anything but the hard work, anything but fairness, and anything but his moral values. I knew the path will be difficult but I chose to follow my grandpa’s footsteps. Not gonna lie, my heart wavers sometimes from following this path when I look at all the bad ways of the world but then I think about my grandpa and cannot bring myself to be the same as others. I always thank him for keeping me on the right track.

Talent – Our second pillar represents my granny on my dad’s side. She is the most fun of them all. She is like a magician. There is nothing that she can’t do. She loves singing, dancing, cooking, sewing, drawing, making yummy sweets, and of course troubling everyone. She can be super duper dramatic at times but everyone loves her for her funny and innocent nature. I think its her genes passed along to all of us, thanks to which we all have been blessed with one if not many of those talents. She has always taught me to live to the fullest. She will enjoy herself no matter where she is and no matter how hard the time might be. She taught me that life is too short and there is no time to regret. She taught me if you love to do something then do it and do it with confidence. Don’t settle for mediocrity, if you have talent then pursue it but give it your 200%.

Selflessness – Third would be my grandmother on my mom’s side. She was the most selfless women I have met in my life. She was there to support my gramps through thick and thin. She never thought about anything except needs of her family. She always put them first over herself. No matter how hard the life was for her, she was always smiling. She taught me the importance of smiling. A tip for you, next time you are in a train or a bus or any other public transport, try smiling at a stranger. Trust me a smile is the most contagious thing and it gives a very internal satisfaction that is hard to explain. I usually feel all shy if someone smile back at me but I do it anyway. Who knows may be it will make someones day. 🙂

Determination – Last but the most important pillar of my family, my gramps from mum’s side. He had a really rough childhood. His parents passed away at a very young age and his aunts and uncles didn’t want him to study. He studied secretly through out his middle school and high school because he loved studying. He earned on the side to support his education because there was no help or support from his then family. Once he was married, he chose to have a huge family with lots of girls and he never treated them any different from the boys in the family. He was determined to provide, all of his children, the best of the education even though he didn’t have enough money to buy new clothes for next 5-6 years. Whatever he had he spent it on his kids. Even when they were far away with their own families, he never missed a weekend to call all of his children and their kids. When I say all I mean ALL. I can still remember him calling me after each of my important exams, my first interview, my birthday, my first day at work. He never missed a single date, not for me and not for any of my cousins, or my aunts and uncles. I guess that’s why my mum calls me everyday no matter how annoyed I get. It’s all your fault gramps. -__- Anyways I call him the glue of our family because without him we would have probably all gone separate ways.

These four words might not carry as much weight for anyone else but the amount of pride they carry for me is not measurable. I am thankful to my four pillars for the luxurious life I have now. Thanks to their sacrifices, love, and devotion to their families, I am where I am in life and I am who I am as a person. I hope they are all watching over me and guide me to the right path in the future as well. I hope I can be as honest, talented, selfless, and strong willed as they were. Ok my heart is hurting now.. I need to go otherwise I will start crying.

The roots of education are bitter but the fruit is sweet – Aristotle

Until next time..

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Love at First Sight

Do you believe in love at first sight? Even though I have always been tomboyish kinda girl, there has always been a side of me that loves fairytales. I can watch any rom com or sad romantic movies over and over but not get bored of them. I have seen P.S. I love you probably over 10 times and still cry like a baby every time I watch it.

Being such a girly girl when it comes to movies, I always believed in love at First Sight (or like now some people call it infatuation at first sight) and I really wanted to experience it. I always thought of this fairytale like story where we both fall in love instantly and start dating and probably get married. Well it actually did happen to me (I mean at least the love at first sight part). 😀

I was on exchange with some of my other classmates from my university. Just like any other group we were having a lot of fun exploring the area, visiting new cities every weekend, trying to make the most of the short semester we got to spend there. One day while walking back from a long day of classes we  noticed some of the university students preparing for some event that was going to happen in the university. Some were practicing their dance routines, some were singing, and some were modelling. We stuck around to watch what was going on as it was very new to all of us. Uhmm.. We try to focus on our academics in our university #nerdlife.

When they were finishing up I noticed a group of noisy boys having a lot of fun teasing each other. Out of those boys, one guy stood out to me. I told my girl friends about him and asked for reassurances if he was actually as handsome as I found him to be or was I just drooling over a bunch of boys from another country. They found him OK, but I couldn’t take my eyes of him. Heck I don’t think I noticed any other boy in that group. My eyes were practically glued to him. I think our eyes met at some point and he smiled back at me (no I wasn’t imagining it). We went to our dorms and they disappeared to their’s after that but that night I basically couldn’t think of anything else but him and I was super excited at the thought of may be I will get to see him tomorrow again.

Next evening, I dragged my friends to the same place where they were preparing for the university event. Lo and behold, he or his group was nowhere to be seen. After waiting around for about an hour we decided that it was time to leave. To our surprise as we were about to leave, two girls approached us asking where we were from and if we wanted to take part in the modelling event. We were pretty shocked but so excited to interact with local students that we said yes none the less. Next thing we know, we were practicing with them every evening. They were really nice and helped us a lot considering we had zero experience with any of that. One of our friends decided to join the singing practices as she preferred singing over modelling and they welcomed her with open arms (not literally).

A few days passed by but I didn’t see him even once. I thought it was all a big dream and I was just imagining the guy. I stopped expecting that they would ever show up again and to my surprise that same day they showed up for the practice. And guess what they were also going to model with us. I was so nervous and happy that I could hear my heart pounding. That hadn’t happened in a very long time. We didn’t talk much but definitely made eye contact a few times. From that day onwards I saw him on practice a few times until the day of the event. We didn’t talk much but whenever our eyes met we smiled at each other. I think he knew that I liked him.

Soon enough the day of the event came and we all happily performed at the event. We took a lot of pictures and I tried to take a few with him as well. Funny thing is I am very oblivious and stupid when it comes to matters of heart. I only see the person I like lol. Apparently a few guys wanted to be friends with me, take pictures with me but I didn’t even notice it coz I was too busy looking at him. 😛 oh well.. I think I made my feelings too obvious and he knew where this was going.  Few days after the event, the photographs from the event came out. I was in the cafeteria when sudden I saw him walking towards me and sitting next to me. He told me the pictures were out and if I wanted to go with him to pick them up. My heart literally dropped to my stomach and just like an idiot I am, I yelled NO I CAN’T. I could barely even breathe when he was that close to me, going alone with him anywhere would have probably given me a heart attack. Yes, I am an idiot. I was too nervous and inexperienced with all of these things.

Well sadly we went to collect the photographs separately and I bought all the photographs including the one with just him and me. I probably stared at it a lot more than I should have but oh well who cares it was love at first sight. I didn’t see much of him after that and kind of made peace with the fact that my exchange was going to be over soon and we won’t get to see each other again. I came back and started my university life again.

Few months later we connected on social media and started talking again. And guess what, he told me he liked me the first time he saw me that night. 🙂 I don’t know how true that was, if he was just saying it for the sake of saying it but I was very happy to know it was love at sight for the both of us. May be if we had more time to spend with each other and if I wasn’t so scared to go out with him when he asked me to, things would have been different, but I still cherish this encounter dearly and wish that it happens to me again. Unlike many other love stories this one didn’t have a happy ending but I am glad I got to experience something beautiful.

I didn’t choose you, i just took one look at you, and then there was just no turning back. – t.

Until next time…

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I Wish I Could Love Myself

Emotion is a dangerous thing, people will call you heartless if you show less of it or call you dramatic if you show too much of it. Either way it is really hard to understand what our emotions are if we get caught up in the facade of society and what other people think of us.

I was reading Lilly Singh’s book “How to be a Bawse”. If you thrive on positive energy and need that boast of encouragement then I would definitely recommend this book to you. In one of her chapters **SPOILER ALERT** she asked her readers to list 5 things that you honestly love about yourself. And to my surprise I couldn’t list even one. Whenever a quality came to my mind, for example that I help others a lot, I heard myself narrating back to myself, but I didn’t help this, this, and this person, so no I don’t have this quality. Same thing happened with many other different qualities that I tried to jot down. In the end I felt really sad and I gave up on writing anything but this thought that I wasn’t able to think of even one thing that I liked about myself bothered me a lot. I tried to come back to this chapter again and again for next 2 months but I wasn’t able to write a single thing down.

The last time I opened that chapter, I sighed and unconsciously said “I wish I could love myself”. I was a little surprised at my thought and ended up crying a lot while writing those words in the blank space underneath the question. I came to a realization that I didn’t love myself anymore. In the whole process of loosing myself and finding myself again in the last 2 years, I have been so hard on myself that I constantly judged my actions. Perhaps the reason I couldn’t love others is because I can’t even love myself. I don’t know how true it is but I do think that loving ourselves is very important to be mentally healthy. One has to be able to accept themselves to be able to embrace others. I started noticing that I am too critical of myself. Every time I made a mistake I was pulling myself down a lot. I was criticizing myself that I am not good enough and I need to work harder, more, better.

In a way it is good that I am trying to improve myself to become a better version of me, but in a lot of ways it was leading to anxiety and self consciousness without me even trying to cause these mental issues for myself. Now that I think about it in last year or so, I have started to doubt my actions, overthink my reactions, and become super emotional. I have always liked to be centre of attraction in my group, which still hasn’t changed much but earlier I used to be carefree. I didn’t care what others thought of me, how I looked, how they reacted if I said something immature, but now its a whole another story. It seems like all I want to do is please everyone around me. I feel like a show off, wanna be who is trying too hard to be in the centre of everything that’s going on in the group but has realized that its not the case or probably was never the case. I think you can probably feel the negativity from my words as well, but then again this is like my dairy where I get to express whatever I want.

In a way it is good that I am aware of what is happening to me and I can take control of the situation before it goes out of hand. Here are some of the things I’m thinking of doing in the coming days and see if they work for me.

  1. Drink lots of water
  2. Eat healthy
  3. Exercise
  4. Every week spend some time pampering myself
  5. After finishing a major task, give myself pat on the back for completing it. Reward/treat myself for it, even if it is a small treat.
  6. Understand my limitations and learn to say no to things/people.
  7. Meditate, practice deep breathing for better blood circulation in the body, even if it is for 5 minutes.

Life is too short to get caught up in these things. I know that sometimes it feels like it is impossible to get out of this overthinking, anxiety phase, but like my dad always says “impossible” actually means “I M Possible”. There is nothing that I can’t do. So I will give this my best shot as well and won’t let it stop me from being who I am and what I can achieve in life. So if you are in a similar situation, don’t feel alone, share your pain with me if it helps, and love yourself because you are beautiful the way you are.

You carry so much love in your heart, give some to yourself – R.Z.

Until next time..

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Born Average with No Regrets

Who doesn’t wish to know what their future holds? People use so many different ways to understand which direction their lives might be going in or to find the right path to have a successful life. Astrology is one of those ways that people strongly believe in and use to predict the future. Just like a lot of people out there, my parents also strongly believe in the science behind astrology and whatever else that comes with it.

Personally I don’t have anything against anyone’s believes or faith, but I do believe that one shouldn’t get blinded by these predictions. Anyways.. so based on such predictions, my mother once told the teenage me two things: one that I will have to work really hard to achieve anything in life because my life will be hard and that’s the only way I will achieve my goals. Honestly I still take pride in working hard and achieving my goals, so I didn’t really mind this one but the second one kinda broke my heart.

She told me that my life will always be average, my grades will always be average, the things I achieve in life will be average. I mean as a teenager those words hit me pretty bad. Intentionally or unintentionally (I hope unintentionally..) she said something that still somewhere in my heart hurts me from time to time.

Initially I was very sad, I felt very defeated, lost, doubted myself when I made any decision, cried alone as I didn’t want to show her that I was weak or I was average, but over the years I have slowly realized that what she said was just a prediction, no one knows what the future really holds and those words only hurt me if I let them hurt me. I will be honest, yes so far my life has been average. I didn’t get the best grades in high school like my cousins did, I didn’t get the best grades in university either like my classmates did, my first job was pretty average paying, I don’t really have a lot of savings, etc., etc. But I got into one of the best universities because I had a lot of extracurricular experience that others didn’t have, I learnt at least 6 different types of dances, a lot of volunteer work, leading clubs, and organizing events during my university, even though the pay I got was pretty average, I managed to pay off my loans the fastest amongst my friends and without any financial support from my parents.

I’m not trying to brag about myself but just what to explain that it is all about prospective. Some people might think that I have a pretty average life, considering I don’t have my own house, an expensive car, or I mean.. even a bf at this point of time but some may think that I have the best life because I have achieved so much in this lifetime through my experiences. I am OK with being average as long as I know that I work hard to achieve my goals, that I have a sea of happy and satisfying memories with me, and that I can die with no regrets.

Always remember, that the only thing that you take with you when you die is your memory, so make as many good, happy, joyful memories as you can. Do what makes you happy. Be successful in your own way. You don’t have to be the richest person on this planet, but if you love doing what you are doing and consistently work hard to achieve what you thrive for then I am sure you will be successful. Don’t hold yourself back. Fill your life with experiences that you will cherish forever. Don’t fear being average rather use it as an inspiration to work harder and prove others wrong. Be positive. Don’t feel let down by things other people say. Don’t compare yourself to others. Just focus on yourself and making urself better than you were a day before and the day before that.

Too much motivational talk? Well you needed it, so I am giving it to you loud and clear. Now stop wasting your time here and get back to achieving your goals. And like BTS says: “Love Myself, Love Yourself”.

Until next time..

Success is a journey, not a destination. The doing is often more important than the Outcome. – Arthur Ashe

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A Spoonful of Motivation

Recently I have been obsessing over BTS and their music. While researching about them I read about Suga’s mixtape (Agust D) and heard a few songs from his album. I cry every time I hear “So Far Away” from that album. It is crazy how music can touch our lives even if we don’t know what the lyrics are saying. I guess it is true that music is all about feelings, it is not bound by language, age, religion, or gender of a person.

I think I relate to this boy band so much because I feel they were common people like us and they have gone through the same struggles as many of us go on a daily bases. They are humble and appreciate the small things in life regardless of their stardom. I hope they stay that way forever.

I come from an average family as well. My parents worked really hard to provide for us, sacrificed a lot in order to bring our family to where we are right now, and I will forever be in debt to them for that. I sometimes take them for granted but I really wish I stopped doing that. I hope they know that I love them a lot. Actually, if anyone else is reading this, then you should tell your parents how much you love them, because we often forget to tell them how much they mean to us until it is too late. I will do the same. Anyways..

They always taught me that people who work hard achieve way more than people who are talented but don’t do anything with their talent. One can make an average life to extraordinary just by adding hard work to a passion. And I truly believe in this mantra for life. I have worked really hard to get to where I am, I have failed many times but I get up every time and run to achieve my goals but lately I feel very demotivated. I feel scared to fail, scared to be judged by others, scared to not be good enough for my family, scared to just have an average life and I hate to feel scared.

I know I need to work very hard to get to where I want to be and I need to run so hard to achieve my goals that I don’t have time to look back.. but how? I read a quote saying “If you can’t motivate yourself then you can’t achieve anything” and its stuck in my head because I am not able to motivate myself. There are many paths that I can choose but not sure which one is the right now or if there is a right path. Life feels like an escape room with so many locks, no exit, and time slipping out of my hand.

My dad always told me this story of my childhood to motivate me. I was a little baby (probably 3) then and I wanted to get in the back of a van that we owned at that time. It was a little high for me so I was struggling a lot. My grandpa saw me struggling and moved closer to help me but my dad stopped him. He told him that she needs to do this for herself, I am there to support her. My dad stood behind me not helping me but making sure he was there to catch me if I fall. After struggling for about 10-15 minutes I finally made it up the back of the van. I dusted off my hands and smiled at my dad with so much pride in my eyes that he could never forget that moment. I really appreciate him having faith in me and making me believe in myself that I could do anything.

I wanted to talk about this story to motivate myself that my parents have so much faith in me, I need to have that faith in myself too and believe that I can still achieve everything I want to achieve in this lifetime. I am very blessed to have a roof over my head, clothes to keep me warm, and food to eat everyday. As long as I have that there is nothing stopping me from doing what I want to do. I will work my ass off until I get where I want to be. I hope I keep writing throughout my process of working hard and share my experiences for my future self. I will leave you with a nice quote..

If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward. – Martin Luther King Jr.

Until next time..

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Past is a Memory

Ok enough about this sad love story with no happy ending. I feel a lot better after writing my feelings down. I could talk about these feelings to my friends and family but I think they have supported me enough during last two years and I can handle this on my own (I hope so). I only want to think of happy memories from my past so that they have some positive impact on my life and I stop sulking.

Speaking of happy memories, I have a memory from my childhood that I cherish a lot. As much as I want to keep holding on to this memory, its fading away and there is very little I can do about it other than documenting it. I wish I could store this memory in a safe place where i could go and feel the same way every time I want to remember this memory. I start tearing up every time I have the thought of it fading away from me.

So here it goes,  its a memory from my grandparents house when I was a few months old. Its from my aunt’s wedding, where I see my whole family together, happy, celebrating her wedding. I see a room with doors on both sides where I was in a cradle of some sorts. I see people coming to see me, picking me up, smiling and trying to talk to me. Then someone took me out of that room to a big living room with sofas and chairs for people to sit on. In the living room, there is a staircase going up to the roof which has no railing on the side. I can see younger version of my cousins running up and down those stairs. People are serving food from the kitchen to the guests. Loud music is playing, people are talking, kids are running around. I can see happiness on everyone’s face.

I am so scared to loose this memory. It is from a time when we were all together like a big family. It always puts a smile on my face and warms my heart to relive this memory, but I think it is time for me to let go of this memory as I don’t think I will be able to hold on to it for much longer. As sad as it may sound I am really happy to have had this memory for so long.

I hope my grandparents are watching over us from heavens and know that we will always love them no matter where they are. Ok I’m crying now.. Can’t write more. Thought of the day is be grateful for what you have in life and cherish every moment you spend with your family and friends, because the time spend together creates memories and at the end of the day memories are all that we are left with.

Adios to my favourite memory. Until next time..

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Karma

Just like JT said what goes around comes back around (yes I quoted a singer, get over it), I’m also a strong believer of Karma. This story kinda stems from the last one where I mentioned that I deserved what I got. So here is why I think that.

When I was in high school (long time ago), I started dating one of my close friends. That was my first encounter with dating and this whole relationship fiesta. To be honest I didn’t really know what “being in a relationship” meant. I was naive and super ambitious teenager, who wanted to conquer the world. Uhmm.. anyways back to the story.. so one of my closest friends told me that he really liked me and it was either to be in a relationship with him or to loose a precious friendship that I cherished. Lo and behold I obviously chose to be in a relationship, rather than loosing a good friend. Mind you it wasn’t that he was a bad guy, he was loving, helpful, and very caring, but I was not in the right headspace when I said yes.

For me, as a teenager, relationship only meant to have a very close friend that you spend most of your time with, who knows you and supports you through everything, and maybe occasionally hold hands as a sign of affection. I know right.. I was totally oblivious to what guys (or girls) want or what a real relationship looks like.

All my focus was to get extraordinary grades, work my ass off, and get into a top notch university. Which I did, but in the process I didn’t reciprocate the love and affection I got from my then boyfriend. To be honest, I probably took him for granted for all the years I was with him.

He was super patient and waited for good 3 years before he final threw his hands up and asked me what the hell is going on with us. We started fighting and arguing all the time. I was so focused on my career that one day I just got to the point and said you know what I don’t need this in my life right now. And I just walked away.

Now you are probably wondering what’s the big deal. It seems very normal to walk away from a relationship you don’t want to be in and it happens to a lot of people out there, but the twist is that I made a mistake. I didn’t want to face him. I was a coward, my definition of moving on from a relationship was to just shove him out of my life without any explanation or warning. Yeah that was the sad part. I just stopped talking to him, just completely ignored him, and the best part blamed it all on him (when I told my friends about it). It just felt that I was doing the right thing, when I was actually hurting someone very dear to me.

I moved on, got into the university I wanted, moved cities, moved countries, and started my new life. Almost a year after I abandoned our relationship, I saw his profile on fb and I started to have this guilty feeling that I couldn’t shake off. I realized that what I did to him was so wrong. This was around the time I started liking this new boy in my life (my ex-boyfriend that I talked about in my last post). I felt really guilty and didn’t know what to do about it. I finally decided that I needed to address this and started opening all the emails and messages he had sent to me during initial months of our one sided break-up (that I completely ignored for months). One of his messages wrote something on the lines of “Can you please tell me what I did wrong? Was it my fault that we are not together.” and that broke my heart into a thousand pieces.

I didn’t know how to respond to something that I had left so half heartedly. I needed to give him closure and mind you it was more for me than for him. Finally I had the courage to write back to him, apologizing as to how wrong I was and that it wasn’t his fault. By the time I realized how dumb I was, he had already moved on and left all of those unanswered questions behind. He didn’t care for my reasons anymore. He forgave me in a heartbeat, which instead of making me feel relieved only gave me knots in the pit of my stomach. The first thing that came to my mind at that time was “what you did was so wrong, this will come back to you girl. You will fall in love with someone and they will butcher your heart into so many pieces that you won’t be able to count them”. And yes that happened, I met someone (my ex-bf from the last post), he broke my heart, and now he is having his happily ever after with someone more prettier and hopefully more patient than me.

Through out this second relationship I kept reminding myself that I know I am in love but this relationship isn’t right for me and he will break up with me in future and I will be shattered.. but I guess it is true “Love is blind”. I didn’t want to listen to even my inner self and kept going until it all fell apart. I kind of lost myself during this relationship and I am still struggling to find who I am, but I’m a warrior I will get through it no matter what. Anyways..

So this is my story of why I believe that Karma is a BITCH (sorry not sorry). My advice to everyone is to do good deeds, don’t hurt others, otherwise it will come around to bite you in its due time. Also if you are hurt, try to find yourself, invest in positive energy, get involved in things that make you happy. There is someone out there who is meant for you and they will come around when the time is right. Didn’t think I would write a novel long story but I guess I like to give the details, that’s what make me feel that I can leave these memories behind and go on to the next chapter of my life.

Until next time..

 

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